Learning to Trust the Process

This is a story of the dissolution of my highly-anticipated trip to Patagonia and the wisdom I gained: trust in ‘the process’ and the way life unfolds, listen to our intuition, and value the small moments in our day-to-day lives. I think my story will help you gain insights pertaining to your own lives and experiences.

I thought in a couple months I’d be telling you guys a fantastic tale of my climbing, travel, and life experiences in Patagonia, Argentina. Patagonia is a mecca for alpine climbers, but it’s a place that demands respect due to the formidable weather and objective hazards. Climbing in the Chalten and Fitz Roy Massif in Patagonia has been one of my biggest dreams. This year, the timing seemed perfect with my open schedule, climbing ability, and overall fitness level.

My Long Covid symptoms finally started improving and I was regaining my strength and ability as a climber. I had been upping my game as an ice and mixed climber in the alpine. I ticked some notable rock climbs over the summer, including Positive Vibrations on the Incredible Hulk in the High Sierras, Sunshine Crack on Snowpatch Spire in the Bugaboos (more about the Bugaboos here), and The Rostrum in Yosemite Valley. Seemingly, I had defied all odds and somehow hit a new high in my strength/ability. I felt ready for Patagonia and did not hesitate to book my plane ticket.

Then life smacked me right in the caboose. On Thanksgiving, I got really sick with the flu (I tested negative for Covid-19). I was overcome by an intense sore throat, followed by fever, chills, and aches. Bummed that I couldn’t fully enjoy time with my family over the holiday, I still made the best of the situation.

After returning to Colorado, the virus turned into a very painful and persistent sinus infection. I had immense head, face, and tooth pain. While I usually avoid taking antibiotics, I was not recovering on my own and symptoms were worsening, so I went on a course. Two weeks after the initial infection, I finally started feeling better. I was taking good care of myself, eating healthy, and thought to myself: It’s not too late! I can still be strong and healthy for Patagonia!

I finally felt well enough to get back outside and decided to go ice climbing with a friend. My body felt fatigued and was responding very poorly to the single-digit temperatures. So it goes in ice climbing, right? On the car ride home, I started feeling very ill but wrote it off as fatigue from the cold and overexertion. Once I got home, I hopped into bed and immediately started experiencing teeth-chattering chills, sweats, and a fever. It was a rough night. What was going on? This couldn’t possibly be a SECOND virus I contracted!

A few days later, after much rest, the flu symptoms subsided, just in time for my trip back to Reno for Christmas with my family. Once I arrived in Reno, I started feeling very run-down again. Cue in the incessant cough and chest pressure. Oh great, this one had gone straight for my lungs!

Unable to do any physical activity outside of light yoga and short walks with my mom, I still enjoyed the quality time with my family. Though, I was up every night coughing, feeling like there was no other choice but to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep and give my lungs a break. I remember joking to my mom, ‘If I get a THIRD virus, I’m gonna accept it as the universe telling me I’m not meant to go to Patagonia!’. I was not expecting to get a third virus..

Still, I told myself: Patagonia can STILL happen! I’ll be able to test out my strength over New Years in Ouray, Colorado on my ice climbing/ski trip.

The next day we planned to do some backcountry skiing. I woke up on the morning of New Years Eve, which happened to be my birthday, feeling a little better. The gods were cutting me some slack! We skied some really fun lines in the amazing deep powder. Skinning up was a struggle for my lungs, but I did better than expected. What a fun day! I thought to myself, Patagonia can still happen! I got excited again about the trip.

That night, I started feeling off again. I hopped in bed early, skipping the New Years celebration. The next morning I woke up feeling flu-like symptoms again. Sore throat, congestion, headache, and chills. Oh dear, was this really happening AGAIN? It seemed like every time I assured myself Patagonia was a-go, my health took a turn for the worst.

I began seriously questioning whether or not I would be able to make my plane ride. A few days later, I still did not feel well and had the most intense earache. There was no way I was getting on that plane the next day.

I decided to push out my flight by a week. But then I started to feel even worse. Furthermore, I started having a flare up in my neurological symptoms. After much tormenting back-and-forth deliberation, I decided it was probably not my season to go to Patagonia. Considering my weakened state, I was not sure it was a good idea for me to try to climb my serious objectives.

Maybe I could push through like I’ve done in the past? Stick to easier climbs? I kept reminding myself how much I have fought through with my health challenges already. No, no..something didn’t feel right. My gut was telling me it wasn’t right this time.

Was the universe sending me signs that I was not meant to go? I had to believe that there would be a better time for me to get out there and climb. I told myself: trust the process. Perhaps I dodged a bullet by sitting this one out? I’ll never know for sure what would have been.

Either way, life is full of roadblocks meant to teach us lessons and lead us on the paths we are supposed to be on. Maybe there is a great Patagonia adventure waiting for me next year..maybe it will be somewhere else. Quite possibly, both! Bottom line: I need to TRUST THE PROCESS AND TRUST MY GUT.

I’ve still been struggling emotionally with the turn of events, from the poorly-timed breakdown of my health to the heartbreaking decision I made to cancel my trip. After all, I’ve dreamt of climbing in Patagonia for years now. After much reflection, I realize that it’s good to dream and have goals, but I must not attach myself to them.

I read a lot of content focused on the great adventures–the ones we pull off fabulously. I’ve written these posts myself. Life doesn’t always work out this way though. It is important to share the instances in which life throws a wrench in our plans. How do we cope and work through it?

I approach my blog with candor and will not write sensational posts claiming that I’ve miraculously healed myself from all of my health struggles (and that you will too if you do X, Y, Z!). I will still get sick and miss out on trips. I will still have my shortcomings, and I will experience the associated frustration and disappointment.

I’m learning, albeit very slowly, to better roll with the punches. There are many wonderful trips and experiences to be had this winter..and more challenges ahead too. A wonderful Patagonia trip might still be in my future as well!

I won’t stop dreaming, but perhaps it’s time to loosen my attachment to my adventure and travel goals. I need to trust that life has good stuff in store for me and maybe, just maybe, the universe has been looking out for me all along and subtly (or not-so-subtly) guiding me on where I ought to go.

I think it is important to recognize that there is a time to push through against opposition. There have been many times I have pursued my adventures despite not feeling well and was so happy I did. However, there is also a wisdom and intuition in recognizing when a plan might not be meant to be.

When I had all of the cards stacked against me, I asked myself, ‘Should it be this difficult? There are so many roadblocks popping up that I am no longer enjoying the process or looking forward to this trip’.

I reverted to my head, my heart, and my gut. My head told me this wasn’t my season to go–my physical (and now mental) health might get in the way of my safety. My gut told me that this particular trip didn’t feel right, something was off. My heart was mostly in it, but became a bit bogged down by stress around my health.

As I still am spending my days recovering my health, I am relearning the valuable lesson I was taught at the height of my Long Covid (see this post). When we focus too much on the big things and goals in life, we miss out on the everyday moments. The little subtleties that make life, well, life. These moments can be just as exhilarating and impactful as the ‘big stuff’.

Sure, right now I am not crushing it in Patagonia like I had planned. However, I am making much personal growth in learning the different ways life can give me joy and provide me meaning.

And as for my appreciation for the outdoors when I am actually well enough to get out..it’s next level!

So, to sum up the wisdom and takeaways from my story (you know, the moral of the story that I hope can benefit you all):

1.) Life doesn’t always go as planned and that’s OK, we must trust the process. Our life is unfolding in the way it is intended to.

2.) There is a wisdom in identifying when something is not in the cards for us, and it’s important to listen to our intuition.

3.) If we spend our lives always chasing the big goals and attaching ourselves to them, we miss out on many simple daily moments and experiences that are equally, if not more, profound and worthy of our gratitude.